Regulation and Self-Regulation

Many of the difficulties a neurodivergent child experiences begin with an overloaded nervous system rather than “bad behavior.” When a child spends too long surrounded by noise, tension, demands, sensory chaos, or emotional stress, their body and mind can gradually stop coping. We may then see:

• meltdowns;
• protest;
• aggression;
• loss of attention and difficulty concentrating, as though the child literally “cannot hear”;
• what looks like “not wanting to”;
• disorganized activity;
• withdrawal into themselves;
• overexcitement;
• or, conversely, seeming to shut down.

This isn’t a matter of character or parenting, and it doesn’t mean the parents are “bad.” The nervous system can no longer manage the load: self-regulation is struggling.

In DIRFloortime®, self-regulation is a foundation for development, part of the first basic developmental capacity on which more complex capacities depend. Without this foundation, later skills may not develop or may develop unevenly. I encounter these difficulties in consultations with neurodivergent clients, both adults and children. When all of a child’s resources are spent coping with overload, difficulty with self-regulation limits their capacity to:

• learn;
• interact;
• play;
• think;
• stay engaged with another person;
• co-regulate their behavior with someone else;
• plan;
• take in new information;
• manage age-appropriate levels of stress and frustration;
• develop academic skills and the skills needed for social life.

So our role as adults goes beyond teaching. First, it is to help the child develop regulation of their state and attention; work on behavior and social skills builds on that. Development begins with helping the child relax and experience a safe, warm connection that supports self-regulation. Learning is supported by safety and made harder by overwhelming stress. In DIRFloortime®, connection is more than looking at one another or answering questions. It is the feeling: “There is a warm, enjoyable connection between us right now. There is emotional safety and mutual interest.”

In DIRFloortime®, development grows out of regulation and co-regulation with an adult who feels safe and warm to the child. We do not force the child to function at the level we would like. The adult plays with the child, attunes to their rhythm, and takes account of their sensory systems and ways of processing information to create an environment that feels as enjoyable and safe as possible, with fewer stressful stimuli. The adult offers co-regulation and then, gently and with the same warmth, invites the child half a step forward. Reducing the stress associated with the child’s individual differences makes it easier for them to join the adult and explore new possibilities.

Related reading in English

• Supporting Neurodivergent Clients: Recommendations for Practitioners, Part 1
• Neurodiversity and Neurodivergence: What Is the Difference?
• A Child’s Individual Profile in DIRFloortime®
• Following the Child’s Lead Does Not Mean Doing Nothing
• High Sensitivity in Neurodivergent People

Neurodivergence resources · DIRFloortime® · Sessions, training, and supervision