For many neurodivergent children, direct interaction can be very demanding. There is so much for the nervous system to take in: another person, their emotions, their gaze, the sound and movement of their face and voice, their closeness, their unpredictability.
When the nervous system is overloaded, a child may pull away not because they “aren’t interested in people,” but because all these signals arriving at once are simply too much. This is connected with difficulties in self-regulation. I discuss this in the first DIRFloortime® capacity: regulation and interest in the world.
Early infant observations used in psychoanalytic research led to an important discovery. Let me explain.
In this kind of research, a psychoanalyst visits a family and observes the mother and baby together. Their task is simply to record what happens, without stepping in.
These observations showed that babies with developmental differences sought connection with their mothers just as other babies did. They responded to their mothers’ signals, smiles, and cooing. But their responses could be so faint, or arrive so much later, that their mothers often missed them.
Without noticing an emotional response from the baby, mothers could gradually feel helpless and give up trying as often. The baby, whose barely visible signals were also going unanswered, could become distressed and withdraw into themselves as a way of finding comfort and regulating.
The observations suggested that children with developmental differences need and seek connection, too. When their attempts go unanswered, they may fall back on earlier, simpler ways of engaging with the world.
I have worked with children who took several minutes to respond to a meaningful signal from an adult. In those moments, it was essential to wait for that response, however faint—and then meet it with warmth and clear, lively emotion.
In DIRFloortime®, we don’t build connection through pressure: “Look at me.” “Do it.” “Answer.” “Sit properly.” “Pay attention.” Connection grows where a child feels safe, where they aren’t pushed, rushed, or shamed for being different.
And very often, it is within this calm, kind, steady, warm connection that we begin to see development:
- communication and speech;
- back-and-forth communication;
- initiative;
- emotional engagement;
- planning;
- symbolic play;
- empathy;
- the ability to cope with frustration;
- thinking.
Because the mind develops within relationships. Our task is to make those relationships as supportive of development as we can.
Related reading
- What Is DIRFloortime®? A Plain-English Introduction
- Frequently Asked Questions About DIRFloortime®
- Functional Emotional Developmental Capacities in DIRFloortime®
Explore DIRFloortime® · Sessions, training, and supervision
Online DIR 101: register your interest
If you would like a structured introduction to the approach, you can register your interest in an introductory online DIR 101 course taught in Russian. Once we have a group of 5–6 people, we will find a time that works for everyone and schedule the course on the ICDL Institute (USA) website. Registering your interest does not commit you to paying.