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Some children and adults are always reaching for a hug. People call them “clingy.” Others visibly tense up when someone simply rests a hand on their shoulder.
This isn’t always about personality, love, or distance in a relationship. Very often, it tells us something about how the nervous system processes touch.
Years ago, a mother brought her child to my sessions. The child was under-responsive to touch, while the mother was very sensitive to it. One of my jobs during our time together was to give the child plenty of hugs, squeezes, tickles, and other touch. For the mother, it was a moment to breathe and rest. At other times, her child would literally cling to her for hours.
Tactile hypersensitivity
Touch feels too intense: an overload, a jolt of stress. Even a little can be hard to cope with.
You might recognize this in yourself if:
- You dislike unexpected touch.
- Hugs make you tense and you want to pull away quickly.
- Clothing labels, rough seams, or particular fabrics feel unpleasant.
- Even a light touch on your skin is irritating.
- You avoid massage, can only tolerate very gentle massage, or don’t want certain parts of your body touched.
- Your body reacts defensively at first: your shoulders rise and your breathing becomes shallow.
- Long periods of physical contact leave you tired or irritable.
For this person, a little distance protects their nervous system from overload. It isn’t a sign of coldness or rejection.
Tactile hyposensitivity
Here, it is the other way around. Signals from touch come through more faintly, and the body needs more stimulation, preferably stronger. It can feel very much like physical hunger. Until that hunger is met, it is hard to focus on anything important, and the nervous system can become overexcited easily.
You might notice:
- Enjoying firm hugs and close physical contact.
- Wanting to press against or lean on other people.
- Enjoying strong massage or pressure on the body.
- Often seeking heavier sensations: a weighted blanket, snug clothing, or pressure.
- Enjoying being wrapped up “like a sausage” in a thick rug or blanket.
- Frequently touching objects or people, and enjoying rough or even sharp textures.
- Ordinary touch feeling too faint.
- Sometimes struggling to sense the boundaries of your own body.
This can create a kind of hunger for touch: a strong need for safe physical contact that helps the nervous system regulate and settle.
There is something important to remember here. When two people have different sensory sensitivities, it is easy to see it as a relationship problem: “You’re cold” or “You’re too clingy.” Often, though, their nervous systems simply work differently. Understanding this can take away a great deal of the tension.
It can be especially difficult when a parent is highly sensitive to touch and their child needs much more of it. Then we need to find other ways to meet the child’s sensory needs without putting the parent under constant stress.